My Search Words are Off-Limits

• What really turns me on are orgy scenes. I love it when there’s lots of people.

• OMGGG, yes!! One time, I saw this incredible amateur video, with like a dozen people fucking together in this gorgeous living room. It was like really exciting and well done. I like it when it looks refined!

• Nah, for me, I’m way more into stuff like “Step mom shows her son how to do it”. I don’t know why, but family scenarios, yeah a bit transgressive, I love it.

• Personally, I almost only watch amateur videos. I want to see clips where people seem to like it for real. Plus, there’s more body diversity so I can really identify more with what I see.

• Ok tell me I’m right! I’ve heard that women watch a lot of lesbian porn. Like girl-on-girl stuff. I don’t know if that’s actually true, but it’s interesting. Either way, it’s super true for me! It’s like practically the only genre I watch.

• What about you, Laïma? What are your search words?

• …

• Laïma?

Though I’m definitely not “shy” when it comes to talking about sex, I just cannot answer this question. I mean, I’ve been known to give alllll the details of a memorable (or awkward!) one night stand and I openly talk about threesomes, my period, masturbation with or without a toy, my vaginal pH (yep, I love talking about vaginal flora!), orgasms, and my sexual experiences in general. No problem at all, bring on the juicy conversations! #NoSuchThingAsTMI.

But when it comes to talking about porn, about my porn consumption, I completely clam up (#ExcuseThePun).

Occasionally, I find myself among friends, listening to them talking about what they enjoy watching; what makes them wet, hard, and cum – their phone in one hand and the other in their pants. And I just….

• Sorry guys, I’m not answering that question.

• What???, Come on! When did you get so shy about that kind of stuff?!

• Ack I knowwwww. But I am about that. I’m like embarrassed as fuck.

• Girl how much porn are you watching?? Like you must be watching A TONNE to be that embarrassed about it…

• No no no that’s not it…

• Oh so you’re just into some REALLY kinky shit and weird stuff then! Is that why you don’t want to tell us about it?…

• What? No… it’s not that either… it’s not any of that…

I am speechless and confused about my friends’ assumptions. Why is my need for privacy automatically perceived as proof that I’m weird, kinky, or addicted to porn? And even if that were the case, wouldn’t I have the right to establish personal boundaries and not want to casually talk about it out in the open?

But between you and me, when I say that my embarrassment has nothing to do with the quantity and quality of my porn consumption, I’m telling the truth. I don’t think my tastes are that unusual or hard to admit. I also don’t suffer from addiction and I’m not in denial or embarrassed about “overusing”. No, it’s something else. For me, revealing my porn searches is like the equivalent of revealing my intimate core. It’s too private, and certainly much too precious to casually talk about over drinks one evening while being a little tipsy.

When I think about it, the porn we watch is essentially a window into our sexual fantasies. And for me, those fantasies are immensely private.

For me, revealing what turns me on and gets my underwear wet when I’m alone in bed is just too much; too much information that belongs to me, and only me. I want to protect this intimate fantasy world, to keep the secrets of my inner self, which I indulge in more ways than one.

I listen to erotic podcasts and read erotica. I even write my own sometimes, unleashing my mind into the creation of imagery and scenarios that make my body shiver. Having this intimate universe of erotic inspirations is of great importance to me. But it’s my universe. 

And so, my search words are off-limits.

To be honest, it’s even a topic that I avoid with boyfriends and people I date. It’s like the question of porn solely belongs to me, in my secret garden. Sure, I’ve sometimes shared  certain fantasies, but never through the prism of porn.

That is, until now….

Recently, I met someone with whom I felt completely like myself. I felt that I could talk to him about anything and that he received me openly and without judgment.

One evening, the famous question popped up: “So, what kind of porn are you into?”

I could feel myself blushing. Out of habit, I expressed my embarrassment, but then suddenly…and quite naturally even, I answered. I pulled back the curtain concealing my secret garden and let him walk with me in it. And it was good. It was great, actually. I felt close and comfortable enough with him to talk about what is hidden there, what grows and can be found in that lushness of it. And you know what? It resulted in a rich, uninhibited, and very exciting conversation that, like my garden itself, is something I treasure to this day.

So now, I guess here goes…my search words are… 

HA!! Yeah right! Don’t even think about it!