Fippity Fap, Player One

“Pick out a video you like, kitten.”

My boyfriend hands me his phone with one hand, casually playing with the tip of his foreskin – like a party balloon about to be inflated – with the other. We’re both naked and lying on our backs in his bed, our faces dimly lit by the Pornhub page on his iPhone. Looks as though someone has his jizz knocking at the door and wants to empty his nuts before turning in. The situation must be remedied, otherwise he won’t be able to have his big eight-hour shut-eye.

The thing is, yours truly just sipped two liters of chamomile tea and is as excited as an old Slinky at the bottom of a Fisher-Price toy bin. So, I choose not to to be the object that will relieve my darling’s desire tonight, and instead, I select a favorite porn video for him with a legendary rimming scene that makes me come faster than a fly narrowly avoiding a swatter. If these twenty-two minutes of ass-tapping were available for sale at Chapters, there’d most definitely be a big “Staff’s Pick” sticker slapped happily on the front of it.

I press play and give the phone back to my horny partner. While his sleepy eyes are glued to the dirty clip and his head rests on his pillow, I gently rub my little suckling pig’s belly. To encourage him during his late night fap, I breathe little “mhhhh… mhhh”s here and there to let him know that I am with him in this. You’re not alone, babe. You’re handsome, you’re good, you can come before the stroke of midnight. Go, go, go, because after that, I turn into a big pumpkin.

I’m starting to feel heat coming off of my boyfriend’s body. And despite Morpheus pulling down on my eyelids with both hands, I admit starting to feel something getting stiff between my legs. On the screen, a burly man blows a hunk of spit as clear as water from the Great Lakes on the anus of a young twink who offers him his ass. Saliva runs down his thighs and it’s such good quality porn that I have no choice but to sit up and grab my glasses on the bedside table. I’m literally on the verge of warming up a bag of popcorn and settling in to fully enjoy the show.

Once the young man’s little asshole is well lubricated, the top inserts his huge schlong and begins to work it gently. Hard to believe that this nine-inch-plus veiny piece of meat manages to enter the blonde’s tight little orifice. Tighter than any parallel parking job I’ve ever seen in the Old Port.

At exactly 13 minutes 45 seconds, the juggernaut decides he’s had enough of doggy style and turns the twink over onto his back to take him missionary-style. Flipped over like a crêpe bretonne, the bottom continues to welcome the entirety of his partner’s member, moaning like the Castafiore when the top decides to take out his member and push back in. I feel you, brother.

At this precise moment, on the other side of the screen, my sweetheart’s body stiffens while he powerfully jizzes all over his chest, clenching his toes. Arrmmgghhhhhffffuckyessss! A bit of his semen lands on the tip of my chin, splashed like the people chilling in front of the Splash ride at La Ronde. I have some on my earlobe, and my pupils are now completely awakened by the generous dose of blue light they have just ingested

We burst out laughing and I kiss him with the tip of my lips, whispering to him a very dirty “We’ll have to try that next time.” And yet…when he runs a Kleenex over his semen-gummed chest hair, I am invaded by an inexplicable sadness. Hundreds of questions and uncertainties shoot through me like a big electric shock. The sunny bliss of the last few seconds is replaced by a large stratocumulus cloud of ambiguity, and I let out a “Wow, is what we just did messed up?”

This is the first time my boyfriend has watched porn right next to me while I’m just a passive observer in the process. It’s both weird and exciting… It can be a little scary to let someone into the privacy of our porn preferences. Lots of questions run through my mind.

Do I watch “normal” videos? Will my keywords turn him off or introduce him to a side of me that he won’t like? Does he get more pleasure out of watching porn than out of actually fucking me? Is my relationship in palliative care if one of us continues to watch porn alone? My mind is racing.

After a minute or two of confusing, racing worries flashing across my mind, I finally snap out of it and calm down. By watching my partner masturbate to porn, I realize I entered his secret garden like a lustful spy hidden in a broad cedar hedge. A game of voyeurism kind of set in, and… I didn’t hate it. It was special to see him moan during the same video segments as me, to see how his gaze greedily scans the screen, and to observe the particular way he focuses on the head of his dick when he masturbates. It was as though I had stepped onto the other side of the looking glass.

My old kitten and I end up chatting, our legs intertwined, our soft penises resting on our pubic mounds, and I realize that what just happened shows – proves – that I can do anything with him.

Even if our sexual appetites don’t always synch up, we can still be part of each other’s experiences and we can still make the most of it and build our intimacy. Of course, if I hadn’t been in the mood to have a 70-kilo mass jerking off right next to me, I know I could have asked him to go and do that in the living room or in the hall closet with the brooms and buckets.

After our semi-serious, semi-sweet conversation, I fell asleep in no time. Morpheus came down from his pastures of clouds and feathers, lifted our warm blankets and swaddled us nicely. My love’s right arm hugging my chest, my lips drawn into a subtle smile, and a pretty little flake of dried cum in my stubble.