One Month Without Porn: Sébastien

A pseudonym is used to preserve the author’s anonymity.

Day 1

Let me introduce myself. I’m Sébastien, and I’m a 31-year-old bisexual man. I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a few months. I’ve been using pornography since I was about 16, though, come to think of it, I’ve been using visual material to turn myself on since I was 8 years old. At a young age, the slightest curve on an animated character was enough to warm up my lower abdomen.

I use porn almost every day, except on the days I spend with my girlfriend. The rest of the time, I can masturbate anywhere from one to four times a day, and it’s always with porn.

Keywords : bisexual male, pegging, XConfessions, LustCinema

Today, my friend Laurent challenged me to something that will definitely be tough: one month without pornography. For the following weeks, I’ll only be able to satisfy my urges through having sex with my girlfriend or with my own imagination while masturbating alone.

This first day has gone by quickly without me even thinking about porn. In the evening, making the most of my girlfriend’s roommates’ absence, she and I made love on the living room rug. We had anal sex. We don’t do that often, but that time will be unforgettable. For the first time, she reached orgasm through anal stimulation. I also had an orgasm. Easy to do without porn when my better half and I have such great chemistry in bed.

Day 2

Today, thinking about all the porn that will be released this month, I thought to myself that I’ll have some catching up to do when it’s over.

I wonder if I’ll even try to touch myself without porn. Since I have a partner, it would be easy to be abstinent on the days we don’t see each other, and to indulge with her the rest of the time. They say that we could go without masturbation in relationships, but, for the sake of the experiment, I tell myself that I should at least give it a try. Who knows, maybe it will revolutionize my relationship with porn…

Day 3

This morning, I dreamed that I was accidentally visiting a porn site. Not because I intended to touch myself, but out of habit of checking out the week’s new releases. That’s probably what I find the hardest right now.

I like to browse to see what’s available for eventual solo sessions. Just eyeing the thumbnails, without masturbating, to give myself a taste.

Tonight, maybe I’ll finally try to touch myself. Without anything. Just my imagination. And both hands.

Day 4

Nothing to report. Yesterday, I ended up not being motivated enough to try and touch myself. Even less today. In fact, I’ve been way too busy to even think about masturbating.

And tonight, I’m seeing my girlfriend. What would be the point of masturbating? It’s better to save my energy and desire for my better half and share my first nut of the day with her.

Day 5

This morning, I had another dream that I was browsing a porn site. But this time, I was no longer content with simply perusing the thumbnails. I dared to click on them to see the performers at work and get a better idea of the content. I watched some of the videos, without touching myself. Then, guilt overwhelmed me, even in my dreams, and the sheer weight of my anxiety woke me up.

This challenge might be a tad bigger than I originally thought…

Still, I know for a fact that I’ve managed to touch myself and come without watching porn before. In the past, there have been times when I found myself at home, without Internet, and with a burning desire to touch myself. I’d turn to a particularly titillating scene from Bergman’s Persona (I had the DVD!). Bibi Andersson tells Liv Ullmann about the time she and a friend slept with two young men while vacationing by the sea. The scene is steamy, worthy of hardcore porn. After having had this foursome, Bibi returned to the cottage to join her husband and sleep with him. What followed was her best fuck ever.

Of course, we don’t actually see any of this: she only narrates the events, but her description is so alluring that I get super excited every time I hear it, and I only need to imagine the scene to get a hard-on, jerk off, and nut. There’s probably nothing more cinephilic than masturbating to a Bergman.

Day 6

Unbelievable. This morning, I dreamed I was watching porn again. And this time, I wasn’t just ogling. It’s like my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I don’t feel like I’m obsessed with the idea of using porn, though.

One thing’s for sure: it’s a funny feeling to know that I’m not allowed to do something that I used to do every day, but that, objectively speaking, my life hasn’t really changed much. It motivates me to try to orgasm without any visuals.

During the day, I gave in. Well, almost. My dreams of the last few days finally came true and I visited a few sites, just to get an eyeful.

The temptation was strong. Even though I hardened at the sight of the thumbnails, I resisted. Does that count as cheating?

The good thing is that it turned me on and made me want to try to touch myself without simultaneous visual stimulation.

I still allowed myself to get things going by checking out the Instagram accounts of some of my favourite porn actresses. Once I had a hard-on, I put my phone down and started touching myself.

I visualized scenes that I had watched over and over again. It wasn’t easy, but with a bit of effort, perseverance, and a dash of imagination, I came. A lot. Probably one of the best orgasms I’ve ever had. I’d say even I’m proud.

Afterwards, I realized that I still sort of resorted to porn to turn myself on. Even though I was only conjuring it in my imagination and visualizing the scenes, it still makes me feel like I can’t quite do without porn to masturbate.

Day 7

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I decided to jerk off. Coming helps me to doze off. I went to see the Instagram account of Jessie, a porn actress. I watched an eight-second video of her twerking on repeat. It was just enough for me to come.

Again, did I cheat? Twerking is everywhere. In music videos, IG stories, and even at the park down the street, where they give lessons once a week. The only difference is that, in this case, it was a porn actress doing it. Does that mean I cheated?

Day 8

Morning fuck with my girlfriend. The day was filled with public transport, chilling with friends in the park, and watching movies in the evening. I didn’t even think about porn for a second. I even forgot I was doing the one month without porn challenge.

Day 9

An afternoon fuck, and two more in the evening with my sweetheart. It was fun. It always is. I haven’t noticed anything different in our sex life yet since the beginning of my porn abstinence. Neither did she. Except that, now, we can no longer watch porn together before doing it like we occasionally do (did?).  

Since the beginning of the challenge, she’s had exclusive access to my XConfessions and LustCinema accounts. She likes to rub the fact that she watched some of our favourite videos in my face. Maybe that’s why our sex life hasn’t changed. There’s no secrets between us when it comes to our porn use. We both blithely watch it: sometimes alone, sometimes together. Porn has its place in our sex life, except for this month… Fortunately, we don’t depend on it to be able to have good, dirty fun.

Day 10

After spending three days at my girlfriend’s, the time had come for me to go back home. It was the perfect opportunity for me to try masturbating without ANY visual stimuli. Wasted effort. I quickly gave in to the temptation to take a quick look on Instagram and browse porn stars’ accounts. I only replaced one habit with another. I even repeated some of my porn consumption habits: I was no longer satisfied with the two accounts I discovered; I felt the need to discover more.

From one click to another, I ended up finding the Twitter account of Julia, one of my favourite porn stars. I came across much more explicit content than what can be found on Instagram: short one-minute snippets promoting her OnlyFans. Blowjob, masturbation, penetration with a partner.

I’m no longer in a “grey” area. I now apparently listen to porn on Twitter. I’ve relapsed.

Day 11

Small victory. I masturbated without using any visuals. Just my imagination. On the other hand, I admit that I fantasized about sleeping with a porn star. My pleasure is still very much shaped by porn.

Day 12

I touched myself again to the eight-second video of Jessie twerking on all fours on her bed. This is the only “permitted” content that excites me every time. It’s become a crutch on which I lean to be able to jerk off.

I wonder how many times I’ll have masturbated to this video by the end of the challenge. Probably more times than her butt bounces (ten). Yep, I actually counted.

I also wonder how many people have touched themselves to this video.

Day 13

I touched myself four times yesterday, including three times at night, when insomnia kept me up. I discovered the Instagram account of Jia, another porn actress. I like her content. It’s suggestive, erotic, and flashy, but also playful and funny.

She posts many suggestive videos of herself. Jia sucks on a grilled corn cob. Jia licks a sundae. Jia tries on her new swimsuit. Jia does yoga. Jia is in a pool in Bali. Jia sways to music, then crawls towards the camera and sucks the finger of the person filming her.

Jia is now part of my everyday life. And I, on the other side of the screen, almost feel like I’m part of hers. It gives her a certain familiarity. After having seen her in pornos before, I have the feeling of discovering the real her.

Day 14

Busy day. No time to touch myself. Evening sex with my girlfriend. It ended with a blow job with a finger in my ass and then rubbing her clit so that she got to come too.

Day 15

Blowjob in the morning, and that was it for the rest of the day, ladies and gents.

Day 16

My girlfriend and I watched the documentary The Perverts’ Guide to Cinema. The philosopher Slavoj Zizek discusses, among other things, the importance of fantasies when it comes to maintaining desire. That part of the film spoke to me a lot.

I find it very difficult to masturbate while fantasizing about someone who’s not a sex worker, whether it’s an acquaintance, an old flame, or my girlfriend. Since these people are not porn stars, I don’t feel comfortable touching myself while thinking of them in that way. It’s as if I was committing an offense, as if I need their consent first. Even so, I know very well that my girlfriend would be happy to learn that I touched myself while thinking of her.

But I don’t get turned on if the sexual encounter I’m imagining can happen in real life. It must remain in the realm of fantasy. It seems a little futile to masturbate to someone I can sleep with or have slept with. My fantasy mustn’t be achievable. Masturbation and sex are separate things that don’t come together for me. I may be turned on by the idea of having sex with my partner, but that’s not what gets me off.

I’ve always found that to be a shame, but after watching the documentary, I realized that having sex with porn stars is an integral part of my fantasies, whereas, because sex with my partners is real, it stays in the real world.

I feel like I have a better understanding of my sex life and how I relate to pornography. They are two separate things: when I have sex, I’m not trying to replicate what I see in porn.

Day 17

Back home after a weekend with my girlfriend. As soon as I got back, I felt the urge to browse some sites and skim over the new porn content that has been released since last week. It’s clearly part of my routine.

I tell myself that I didn’t cheat, since I didn’t masturbate while watching said content. On this, I stand my ground.

I touched myself during the day, again to a video of Jia. She put on a pair of tight, black, lustrous leggings and paraded herself in front of the camera. I came.

I noticed that the head of my penis was red and swollen. It happens to me from time to time: I’ve had chronic balanitis ever since I became sexually active. I applied a bit of Canesten and refrained from touching myself a second time.

Day 18

I saw my girlfriend. She also had a bit of inflammation down there. By tacit agreement, we agreed not to have sex tonight.

Day 19

Today, I masturbated four times and came three times. I was on Instagram again. This is definitely my porn site substitute.

I came across an account that only posts videos of girls sucking bananas. It’s very exciting. My imagination doesn’t need to work very hard to imagine a penis instead of a fruit. But, in the end, I find Jia’s account more satisfying. I’m strongly considering subscribing to her OnlyFans once this challenge is over.

Day 20

A reflection on gay porn. Even though I’ve come to terms with my attraction to men several years ago, I can’t seem to find gay porn arousing. Every time I try to watch some, I’m distracted by the fakeness of the scenes. The smooth, muscular men, the exaggerated moans, the bodies in unnatural positions… I feel like it’s terribly lacking in authenticity. I feel probably the same way women do when they watch mainstream porn made by and for straight men. Here too, the staging is too obvious and sensational. As though we’re watching the Olympiads of fucking, where athletes perform sexual feats that are rarely seen in real life.

Ironically, the only type of gay porn I enjoy is female-friendly. The camera moves around more. The lighting is dimmed and seems more natural. The shots are shorter and seem more intentional.

In this type of porn, we really have the impression of watching two actual people fuck. I wonder why I seek authenticity in gay porn, but seek subterfuge in straight porn. Perhaps this porn diet will have the effect of turning me away from mainstream porn’s sensationalism forever.

Day 21

I didn’t touch myself because I was seeing my girlfriend later. But then when she got to my place and it would have been a good time for sex, we fell asleep watching Ocean’s Eleven. We both probably dreamed of Rusty and Danny.

Day 22

Another busy day. My girlfriend and I still found time to make love while watching Andrei Rublev. The sex was good. We both came a lot. She then fell asleep on my lap while I watched Boriska build a bell.

Day 23

Day full of social activities. My girlfriend and I barely had any time to think about fucking, let alone actually do it.

Day 24

Today at the park, I talked to a friend about my subscriptions to XConfessions and LustCinema. It piqued her curiosity. I offered to give her my info so she could access my account. She accepted without hesitation. At least someone will be able to enjoy it. Hoping that she’ll spare a little thought for me every time she comes.

Day 25

I thought of the first porn star I got a kick out of.

Her name was Katie. She was Ukrainian with dark brown hair. She only did nudes. Once a week, when I was young, I’d print one of her photos on my mom’s printer, always making sure to erase all traces of my downloads on the family computer so that my mom wouldn’t come across the images while perusing her photos from Cayo Coco. I carefully folded the print and hid it in a corner of my room.

Then, late at night, when my mother was sleeping like a log, I’d take the print out of its hiding spot. I’d place it on my bed, position myself on top of it, and jerk off while staring at Katie. When I came, I ejaculated directly on the print, which I then carefully folded in four, skillfully avoiding spilling any sperm on my sheets. Katie’s picture would then end up in the kitchen trash can, buried under a few sheets of paper towel. I did this every week, until the printer ran out of paper or ink and my mom began to suspect something.

Day 26

I went back home after having spent four days with my girlfriend. Excited about being able to masturbate, I went on Instagram as soon as I got home. Once again, I visited porn star accounts, but quickly got tired of their content, since it’s all I’ve been watching on repeat in the last two weeks.

I put my phone down and tried to imagine myself having sex with them, then with my girlfriend, then with my girlfriend and a third party. A bi guy. Fail. I didn’t have any trouble getting a boner, but I couldn’t come.

That’s when I decided to set my imagination aside and focus on the physical sensations in my body. I focused on my heavy breathing and my hands on my cock. Quickly, without much effort, I came. A lot. I can’t remember the last time this happened to me. Actually, I don’t think it’s EVER happened. Pleasuring myself and busting a nut without any visual stimuli, whether real, online, or imaginary? I think it’s a first. Today is an epiphany. I came without pictures or videos. All I had to do was focus on my body.

Before I finished writing these lines, the urge to touch myself came back full throttle. I gave in. Again, I focused on my body. My hand on my penis, on my balls, my index finger making its way to my ass and entering it. I came. I can’t believe I got there this easily twice in a row. Victory!

Day 27

Today, I repeated the experience. I lay down on my bed. Breathed heavily. I held my penis with one hand, and with the other, I inserted two fingers into my asshole. I came. It was as enjoyable as I imagine the first hit of heroin to be, except that, in this case, chances are that my next high will be as delicious as the first.

Day 28

I remember the first porn video I watched. I downloaded it from LimeWire. It featured a student who did sexual favours for her teacher in exchange for better grades.

I remember her wearing a blueish grey polo shirt with white stripes, a purple jacket, a beige skirt, and dark-rimmed glasses, which she kept on throughout the entire video. The premise didn’t interest me. They never interested me, really. What turned me on was seeing her body. For the first time in my life, I saw a body in motion, going up and down, adopting sexual positions that I was eager to try, a face contorted with pleasure, panting, and a lustful gaze.

It was raw. Much rawer than what they ever showed on Bleu Nuit at 12:30 a.m. I had come a long way from the days when I’d wait, filled with hope and longing, for a sexy music video on TV to masturbate to. I was discovering the world of porn through 4:3 videos. And from that day on, I never went back.

Day 29

Two more days before the end. The month passed by quickly. My desire and my pleasure to touch myself haven’t dried up.

I confess to being a little disappointed to have given in to the urge to watch porn, but I can’t really say I’m surprised. It’s been such an ingrained part of my everyday life that it would have been unrealistic to stop cold turkey without relapsing even once during the month. On the other hand, what surprises me is that I managed to masturbate and come without any visual or imaginary stimulation.

I see the importance of paying attention to my bodily sensations, of concentrating on my breathing, of opening myself up and not holding anything back.

I’m glad to know that I don’t need the Internet to masturbate. I’m ready for the apocalypse.

Day 30

Seeing that the month is coming to an end, my girlfriend asked me what content I was most looking forward to watching again. As a joke, I replied that I was looking forward to seeing the movie about our first date (which of course doesn’t exist… yet).

That was enough to titillate our imaginations and craft the scenario:

My lover and I meet in a crowded park in Montreal. This is our first date. We spend the day getting to know each other. Late in the evening, we can no longer resist each other. We kiss. Gently at first, then faster, more passionately. We run our hands over each other’s bodies. It quickly becomes indecent. Too indecent to continue in plain sight with so many people around.

We find a spot in a corner of the park, dimly lit and less crowded. Lying down in the grass in a tree’s shade, we let our lust take control. We only stop when passersby get close, for fear of being seen or heard. As soon as the risk of being caught disappears, we resume. As the park empties, our encounter intensifies. Hands on breasts, between each other’s legs. Mouths on genitals. A bit of penetration. We are now alone.

But we take pleasure in imagining we’re being watched.

Somewhere, in the street, at an apartment window or hidden behind a tree, someone is watching us through thermal binoculars. They’re touching themselves at the sight of our writhing bodies, glowing green, yellow, and red. And redder, and redder still. As our bodies blush, the voyeur’s pleasure increases, until the three of us orgasm.

Day 31

Last day. It’s almost over. Thinking back, I realize it wasn’t that hard. That said, I still can’t wait to browse all the porn that came out this past month. And it’s almost time to catch up!

However, I don’t think I’ll be looking for the same type of content that I watched before the challenge. After discovering my favourite porn stars’ Instagram accounts and seeing them in a new light, I know that I’ll subscribe to their OnlyFans.

That’s probably one of the biggest changes in my relationship to pornography since I started the challenge: I’ll likely look for more diverse content. Free mainstream streaming isn’t as appealing to me as it used to be. Ethical porn use interests me now more than ever.

But hey, until then, I’ll patiently wait. Tomorrow, a back-to-back program awaits.

Happy viewing to me!