Slip ‘n’ Sliiiiide!: Everything You Need to Know About Lube

As the saying goes, dogs are “man’s best friend.” I say that’s bullshit. No offense, furry babies: I love you to the moon and back, but… men’s, women’s, and the entire blue planet’s best friend is lubricant. No, no, doggies, I don’t wanna hear your howls of sadness.

As a circumcised gay man, lube is a huge part of my sex life. Since I don’t have any foreskin, it’s practically impossible for me to masturbate without lube or saliva. (A moment of silence for my late foreskin, guys. Daddy misses you, kitten.)

Anal sex is also a big part of my sex life, and it’s a practice that requires lube if you want to enjoy it to the fullest and avoid getting hurt. As I have often said—and I repeat it here for newbies—successful anal sex requires three things: taking your time, relaxing, and using loooooots of lube.

Lubes can also be used to help with vaginal dryness or simply for recreational use. Oh, and by the way, lubes can be used for a lot more than just penetration. It can also be used for masturbation, massage, breast stimulation, or good old skin-to-skin rubbing. Yep, the slippery sensation of skin gliding against skin can be pleasurable as fuck.

In recent years, I’ve tried lubes in all kinds of textures and smells, my friend. My behind and I have come to know exactly what makes us happy and what allows us to have fun with a relaxed mind and slippery skin. At the end of the day, it’s different for everyone: it’s important to try different things and take the time to find what works for you personally. Can I get an amen to that?

Like most everything else, lubes are an entire world in which we can easily get lost if we don’t have any light to guide us. Goody for you, my darlings, I’ll be your lantern of flesh (fleshlight?) for the occasion!

Let there be light in the tunnel of love!

Overall, there are two types of lubricants: water-based and silicone-based. (There is a third less popular type, but I’m keeping that one for later.)

H2’Oh, my god!

Water-based lubricants are the most common and are usually the ones that dermatologists recommend. They’re easy to clean, they don’t stain (just don’t squirt some on purpose onto your white silk blouse), they’re not sticky, and they can be safely used with condoms and with your favourite sex toys. And these water-based elixirs come in a wide variety of quality and prices. They can be odorless or ultra scented (hello, watermelon!), edible or inedible, with or without a heating or cooling effect (I hate those so much!), and some can even stimulate or delay orgasm. In short, there’s something for everyone!

One of the downsides of water-based lubes is that they can’t be used… in water! Yep, when it meets its maker, it dissolves completely. So, forget about water-based lubricant if you want to get naughty in the shower, in your mother-in-law’s above-ground pool, or at the Amazoo: it really do be like that sometimes.

Also, water-based lubes tend to dry out faster. Alas, they’re not perfect! But if push comes to shove, you simply put the sex on pause to reapply a few more drops. In addition to water, some of these lubes contain glycerol, as well as synthetic or vegetable propylene glycol, which maintain its moisture and slippery texture.

Silicone valley

On the other side of the great lube kingdom, in a distant and peaceful land, are silicone-based lubricants. Do you want a lube that lasts and is water resistant? Silicone is the shit. The lubricating power of silicone is about five times higher than water-based products… In a cockfight (lol), H2O doesn’t stand a chance against silicone.

Now, I can see your questions coming from a hundred miles away. Why would anyone choose a water-based lubricant if it pales in comparison to silicone, you ask? Well, for one thing, silicone-based lubes are not compatible with silicone sex toys. I’ve accidentally tried it and it legit took me at least ten minutes to clean my dildo! It seems to leave a residue that damages or degrades the toy. In short, it’s a no-go! Oh, the art of sabotaging your new $250 vibrator…

On the other hand, though it’s not dangerous to do so, it’s not recommended to use this type of lubricant for oral sex: it can leave an unpleasant taste in the mouth. I’ve sucked dick that was covered in silicone-based lubricant and, while it’s not the end of the world, it’s not like dining at The Ritz either.

Again, there’s a whole range of flavours and sensations in silicone-based lubes. For example, I once tried a silicone-based anal lube made with jojoba, the latter of which is known for its nourishing and softening properties, and another with calming CBD oil.

Also, silicone-based lubricants stain. A lot. And I speak from experience. I literally scrapped a piece of IKEA furniture and Egyptian sheets with the damn thing. It’s also hard to remove from the skin: you’ll need soap or an astringent product to completely get rid of the silky feeling. Additionally, silicone-based lubes most commonly contain dimethicone, dimethiconol, and cyclomethicone, which are all substances that can create reactions—allergic or otherwise—in some people.

Generally speaking, I recommend applying a small amount of lube to the back of your hand or forearm before sexual use to test for any skin reactions.

The third lube

There are also oil-based lubricants. They are generally more recommended for anal sex or for penile and vulvar stimulation. For vaginal intercourse, this type of lubricant can increase the risk of infection. Oh, and it’s not recommended for use with latex condoms, because it degrades them and increases their risk of breaking.

Fun fact: I once masturbated with olive oil in Spain because I didn’t have anything else at hand. It was surprisingly pleasant! It felt like a dream.

One more option you shouldn’t spit at…at

Inside our own mouths, we can also find a precious natural lubricant that can come in handy: saliva! Yep, just like in Brokeback Mountain, if you’re stuck thousands of feet up in the mountains of Wyoming surrounded by sheep, you can simply spit in your palm to lubricate what needs to be lubricated.

For more Brokeback Mountain goodies, read this article full of baked beans and treacherous remote controls.

Since saliva is mostly made up of water and its pH is almost neutral, it can be a relatively decent lube. Plus, it’s free and always available… unless your mouth is fucking dehydrated from having smoked a fat joint. That being said, saliva dries really quickly and requires regular reapplication. It can also add a touch of naughtiness! I personally had lots of fun being penetrated with saliva. While it adds a wild, “dirty” aspect to sex, it’s not ideal with morning saliva (sorry) and sex is generally less comfortable with spit than with lube.

A lube for everything

As you can see, lubricants make up an entire galaxy. I know what you’re wondering: what kind of lube should I use for which type of sex? My “boring” answer: a lot of it depends on personal preferences.

Personally, I find that water-based lubes create a more easy-going gliding sensation than silicone-based ones. It feels a bit as though silicone creates light friction on the skin. It’s not unpleasant, mind you; it just gives a more intense adhesion-like sensation. However, as I regularly use silicone butt plugs and dildos, water-based lubricants are more convenient in my case.

Oh, by the way, we’ve partnered up with a super cool British CBD lubricant company, HOWL. Yep, like wolf-howl-at-the-moon howl. By using the code CAGLISSEMOMAN for a purchase of minimum £30 (around $50 CAD), you save 20%. Pretty awesome, right? Ooooooooh yeaaahhh!