“Can Vibrators Desensitize Us?” and Three Other Masturbation Myths

Choking the bishop. Flicking the bean. Burping the worm. Buffin’ the muffin. So many expressions to talk about masturbation!

The fact that it’s fun and pleasurable—a little treat that breaks the humdrum of everyday life—didn’t stop us from surrounding it with a thousand landmines. Long considered the source of many societal ills and physical and mental ailments, it has been condemned and pathologized throughout history. Poor masturbation! Even its etymology—manus (hand) + stuprare (to pollute)—is steeped in stigma.

But are these accusations justified, or is masturbation really immaculate?

A short history lesson

At the beginning of the 18th century, masturbation was called “onanism” to allude to the sin of Onan, a figure in the Old Testament who had disobeyed God by practicing withdrawal to avoid impregnating his brother’s widow. Because masturbation is also non-procreative, and therefore “wastes” sperm, we found that the label “onanism” fits like a glove.

Masturbation was judged because it was only done for pleasure, but it was also extremely feared: it was believed to cause several incurable physical and mental illnesses (yes, really!). It was thought, for example, that it could make a person deaf, blind, or even cause them to “lose their minds” (Horowitz, 2002)!

The belief that self-love was dangerous to one’s health was mainly based on Greek medical traditions (Horowitz, 2002). According to these, the body is composed, among other things, of four vital fluids called humours: blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile. It was believed that a person’s health depended on maintaining their quantity and balance in the body.

These humours were also thought to have the ability to transform into other bodily fluids. For example, blood was seen as the source of sexual desire and was believed to turn white when its temperature got high enough. Yep, semen was thought to be blood that had turned white from the heat of desire. I wish I was making this up !

And because it was assumed that humours didn’t regenerate, it was believed that ejaculating was like forever losing 40 ounces of blood!

Naturally, to prevent the scourge of diseases caused by onanism, various interventions were put in place. For example, believing that the urge to masturbate stemmed from an arousal of the senses, the minister Sylvester Graham advocated vegetarianism and abstinence from alcohol, spices, and sugar (Horowitz, 2002). The blander, the better! In an effort to adhere to this bland diet and minimize “excitement,” some of his followers invented graham crackers.

As for John Harvey Kellog, in addition to inventing Corn Flakes, he was the director of a sanatorium at which “chronic masturbators” were treated with good nutrition (bring on the Corn Flakes!), physical exercise, and… enemas (you read that right) (Horowitz, 2002). Several extreme treatments were also administered to more “difficult” patients, including penile circumcision and the application of carbolic acid to the clitoris.

Fortunately, 20th-century physicians realized that 18th- and 19th-century fears and beliefs about masturbation were unfounded. However, although we have abandoned many beliefs we now consider to be strange and outlandish, new ones have taken hold.

Here are a few enduring myths about masturbation:

1. “Masturbation is for people who can’t find a partner”

According to a U.S. study conducted among a sample of nearly 16,000 people (!!! 😵), 45% of those who were in a relationship reported having masturbated in the past two weeks, compared to 55% of their single counterparts (Regnerus et al., 2017). So, there is a small difference, but these numbers don’t support the belief that only people without partners masturbate.

So, there is a small difference, but these numbers don’t support the belief that only people without partners masturbate.

One of the reasons why many people masturbate, regardless of relationship status, is that masturbation sometimes meets different needs than partnered sex does.

The number one reported reason for cuffing the carrot or saucing the taco is to experience pleasure and orgasms (Bowman, 2014; Rowland et al., 2020). It just feels reeeeally good. Plus, if that’s your goal, orgasm is much easier and faster to achieve alone. As the old adage suggests, you’re never as well served as when you serve yourself. People also report masturbating to release tension, relax, get to know their body, ease anxiety, reduce stress, or pass the time (Bowman, 2014; Rowland et al., 2020).

On the other hand, sex can meet a myriad of other needs. No jokeNo joke, a study looking into the matter found no less than 237 reasons and motivations for having sex, several of which are difficult to satisfy with masturbation (Meston et Buss, 2007), such as the need for acceptance, belonging, love, desirability, intimacy, and emotional connection.

2. “If someone touches themselves while they’re in a relationship, it’s because they’re sexually dissatisfied”

The question arises: why choose solitary pleasure when you have a consenting partner? Some people think that if a person masturbates while being in a relationship, they’re necessarily compensating for a “lack” of sex. Conversely, other people believe that masturbation complements or enriches a person’s sex life. But which of these hypotheses holds true?

According to a huge U.S. study, men in relationships are more likely to masturbate to “compensate,” while women do it more to “complement” their sex life (Regnerus et al., 2017). However, the associations between sexual frequency and masturbation were rather weak.

On the other hand, one’s satisfaction with the frequency at which they had sex was much more important. Participants who were dissatisfied with how often they had sex masturbated more often than those who were satisfied, whether this frequency was once a week or twice a day.

One thing’s for sure: what will drive a person in a relationship to choose masturbation over sex is complex and subjective, and depends a lot on their needs in that moment.

It doesn’t mean they’re sexually unhappy! So, if you ever catch your partner touching themselves, keep calm and move along. Chances are they just wanted to savour a moment of self-love.

3. “If a person masturbates ‘too often,’ they won’t be able to orgasm during sex”

This belief is older than you think! It goes back to the early 20th century, when Freud claimed that masturbation could lead to “immature” psychosexual development and an inability to establish good romantic and sexual relationships in adulthood.

Our buddy Freud was mostly off base (an “immature” psychosexual development? What does that even mean? , but there’s nevertheless a nugget of truth in his hypothesis that needs a bit of unpacking: while difficulties in reaching orgasm during sex wouldn’t be related to masturbating per se, nor to the frequency of masturbation, it can in certain cases be related to the particular way in which a person masturbates. Let me explain.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013), approximately 1 to 4% of people with penises report difficulties reaching orgasm during sex despite “adequate” sexual stimulation. According to Michael Perelman (2014), for many of these people, this difficulty comes from their masturbation technique, which is difficult to reproduce with a partner’s hand, mouth, anus, or vagina due to its particularity in terms of speed, pressure, intensity, duration, or focus on a targeted spot to trigger orgasm.

But, here’s the thing: according to this expert, the “problem” isn’t necessarily these people’s specific masturbation style, but rather their lack of sexual communication. Almost universally, these people avoid communicating their needs and preferences to their partner(s) due to shame or embarrassment (Perelman, 2014).

Whereas most people, regardless of gender, report valuing their partner’s pleasure and orgasm above their own (Opperman et al., 2014; Salisbury & Fisher, 2014), chances are that your partners would greatly appreciate knowing what gives you pleasure. Admittedly, this is easier said than done, but it’s immensely worth it, I promise! If you still have trouble communicating to your partner in spite of everything, therapists are there to help!

As for people with vaginas and a clitorises, about 7 to 10% report difficulties orgasming during sex (Simons et Carey, 2001). And while a multitude of factors can make it harder to reach orgasm , no research has found that “too much” masturbation, or even masturbating at all, was one of them. On the contrary, a study has even shown that the more these people incorporate the practices and stimulations they usually do during masturbation into partnered sex, the more they reach orgasm with their partners (Rowland et al., 2020).

4. “Good vibes only: vibrators desensitize and make you ‘addicted’”

In a qualitative U.S. study conducted among women who had never before used a vibrator, In a qualitative U.S. study conducted among women who had never before used a vibrator, most found that they reached orgasm more easily and much faster (sometimes even more intensely) when they used one (Marcus, 2011). For some of these women, this discovery was accompanied by a fear of becoming addicted to the vibrator or of preferring it to “natural” sexual activities.

That said, although one can get used to certain types of stimulation or develop a preference for them, it’s not an addiction.

In many cases, it’s possible that the perception of being dependent on vibrators simply comes from the fact that they tend to be generally more effective in triggering orgasm than are fingers or hands.

More good news: no study shows that people who use vibrators develop a numb crotch over time. According to one study, more than 70% of women said they had never had genital symptoms related to vibrator use (Herbenick et al., 2009). However, about 16% reported experiencing desensitization, although this lasted for more than an hour or more than a day in only 1% of the total sample.

So, roughly speaking, these findings suggest that vibrators can sometimes cause numbness in the genitals, but that it’s only temporary in the vast majority of cases.

Some people need a bit more intense and sustained stimulation than what a penis, hand, mouth, or fingers can provide, and in those cases, there’s really no danger (or shame!) in using a vibrator. The decision to incorporate one during sex is a personal choice. You do you!