How Does STBBI Testing Work in Non-Monogamous Relationships?

The term “non-monogamy” refers to all relationship configurations that are not romantically and/or sexually exclusive, such as polyamory, open relationships, swinging, triads/throuples, etc.

We speak of consensual or ethical non-monogamy when it’s acknowledged and accepted by all parties involved.

There is then a relational agreement, which can be hierarchical or non-hierarchical, that involves an openness to seeing other people. Non only is consent paramount to any ethical non-monogamous configuration, but so is (or should be) sexual health.

So, how do you deal with the prevention and screening of sexually transmitted and blood-borne infections (STBBIs) when you have several partners, sometimes simultaneously?

We talked about STBBI testing, communication, and challenges with people who are in non-monogamous relationships.

Eloïse*, 43-year-old cis, pansexual, and polyamorous woman

“I identify as polyamorous. I have a primary partner, who is a cis straight man. We’re married. We’re fluid bonded, so we haven’t used condoms together for quite a while now.

We get tested every six months or when one of us has a new sexual partner.

“I have a secondary partner, another cis man, who is also in a married ENM (ethically non-monogamous) relationship with a cis woman. They also have children. When we have sex, we use condoms. My primary partner also wears condoms with his other partners.

“I also have sexual partners that I don’t see on a regular basis. For people with penises, wearing a condom is non-negotiable. But I admit to not using dams with partners who have vulvas.”

Lou*, 32-year-old polyamorous, pansexual trans man

“I’d say that sexual health and [STBBI] testing has always been important… Actually, that’s not right… It has become important in my relationships. Having different partners, there can be a chain of [STBBI] transmission, and that’s not cool [laughs]. I learned that the hard way by getting diagnosed with an STBBI and having to tell all my partners.

“Now, I’m more likely to ask, ‘Have you been tested recently?’, ‘When was your last test?’, ‘Do you practice safe sex?’, ‘What are your boundaries?’, etc.

“It allows me to make better decisions, to determine which partner I protect myself with or which ones I can practice fluid bonding with, and to think about health impacts.

“In terms of STBBI testing, I try to go to the clinic once every three months when I have several partners. When I have fewer partners, I get tested when a new sexual partner enters my life or when I feel that there’s a real risk.

“Most people are open to having these kinds of discussions [about sexual health and testing], but I still find it awkward sometimes. They’re obviously not the most fun conversations to have, but I feel that the people I meet are more and more educated on the issue.

“That said, there are still people who are a bit clueless. Like, ‘Oh! You got tested two years ago and have had dozens of partners since? GREAT!’ [laughs] I don’t want to judge, but when I feel that people are reckless, I don’t feel as safe and I see it as a red flag. I tell myself that we may not have the same standards.

“I don’t need to have the list of people you sleep with, but if you tell me that you have several partners without ever getting tested, that doesn’t work for me. In fact, I don’t feel like I should have to convince others to get tested.

“For me, taking care of your sexual health, knowing the risks, and being transparent about your sexual health are all part of ethical non-monogamy.”

Étienne*, 28-year-old cis gay man in an open relationship

“I dated S* for several months before we became a couple. When it became official, though on and off, we decided to be in an open relationship. I was comfortable with the idea, but he ‘benefited’ from it much more than me. He slept with a lot of other guys, while I didn’t have any other partners.

“STBBIs were an issue at the heart of our relationship. From the beginning, S didn’t want to use protection with me. The problem is, while I didn’t have sex with anyone else, I got something every time I slept with S. We always had symptoms of something. 

“He didn’t want to use protection with his other partners, so I suggested that we use protection together, but he didn’t take it well. He thought I found him disgusting.

“His relationship to sexuality was quite problematic and he was very carefree about his sexual health. He didn’t understand why I was worrying so much: for him, it was trivial. But I don’t like having STBBIs. I don’t want to develop a tolerance to medication. I already had a super STBBI that lasted for three months. That’s not my idea of fun!

“I’ve been getting tested every three months since forever, but with him, it was much more often. I’d go when S had symptoms or when he’d end up telling me that there was a greater risk. So, I used to go get tested VERY often.

“I wondered if I was the one who was too rigid. I feel that when you have an STBBI, you have a duty to inform your partners. I tell myself that if we all got tested and informed each other when we have something, then we can have some power over the spread of STBBIs.

“We’re not together anymore, but my take-away from all this is that it’s important to set boundaries and respect each other. In the future, I want more communication and respect, whether or not it’s in an open relationship.”

Vanessa, 34-years-old cis demisexual woman in an open relationship

“I’ve been with my partner, who is also the father of my children, for 20 years. He was my high school sweetheart. We decided to open our relationship gradually about three years ago. We were each other’s firsts and we wanted to explore.

“My boyfriend has sexual needs that he fulfills with other people. I’m demisexual, so I need to connect with people before I can develop a desire for physical intimacy. It also makes me lean more towards polyamory.

“Right now, I’ve been dating someone for six months. He is also non-monogamous, but doesn’t have a main partner. We see each other every two to three weeks. My primary is more of a one night stand or hook-up type of guy. He has more sex with different partners than I do. He and I don’t use condoms when we’re together, but we always use them with others.

“Last summer, after a break from sex due to COVID, my primary went to get tested at Prelib, which we discovered thanks to Club Sexu. Normally, he gets tested once every six months.“I too went to get tested, in a private clinic, when post-lockdown dating activities resumed.

I also made sure my other partner got tested. It’s really important for me to be strict about it, even if in general, I have few sexual interactions with my dates, unlike my primary.

“Since we have two young children, free evenings are rare. We just had a weekend planned, during which my in-laws were babysitting. So, a bit as a joke, I said to my partner: ‘Hey, on Friday night, we could start our romantic weekend by getting tested!’ We were both due anyway.

“I checked online to see if there were any free spots at Prelib. There were, so we booked two back-to-back appointments!

“When we arrived, I did my blood test first, my partner second, so when he was done with the nurse, he came knocking on the washroom door where I was doing my self-sampling. When I opened the door, I laughed and asked him why he didn’t use the other washroom. He replied, ‘What, why? I want to stay with you!’

“But, you know, we’ve been together for twenty years, we have two children, so peeing in the same washroom isn’t a problem!

“I was managing my little tubes and swabs while my partner peed in his cup right next to me! I was gagging while rubbing a Q-tip in my throat and my partner was cheering me on: ‘Come on, you can do it!’ It was so funny. And it’s crazy how fast it was!

“Since then, we joke about it, but we tell each other that it could become a habit: on a date, go get tested together at Prelib and then go out to dinner!”

Edith*, 35 years old cis, bisexual, solo-polyamorous woman

“I don’t like labels, but let’s just say that, for some time now, I identify as solo-poly. This means that I have ethical non-exclusive relationships that involve varying degrees of intimacy, but without the desire to merge my life with that of a main partner or to follow the traditional relationship escalator (cohabitation, joint account, children, etc.).

“That said, I had a stable partner—a cis straight man—with whom I lived for five years.

We had a very fluid and anarchic approach to relationships with our other partners, and condoms quickly became our main method of protection and contraception.

This choice involved far less day-to-day worry and risk assessment, which would have involved detailed disclosures of the intimacy one shares with other people.

“If we ever had an ‘accident,’ regardless of the reason or the context, there was no real readjustment to make given that condoms were always part of the equation, other than making an appointment to go get tested. My partner and I get tested twice a year, most of the time together, depending on the number of partners and our exposure to risk, because condoms don’t protect against everything.

“I also think that we underestimate the advantages of condoms. The moment they become routine, they’re such a no-brainer. Besides, given how often I had sex with my partner, it’s made me much more skilled at putting on a condom quickly, subtly, with fun, with one hand, two hands, with my mouth, with my eyes open, closed… It’s feeling at ease that makes all the difference with a new partner. It’s like anything: it just takes a bit of practice!”

*Fictitious first names