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Whether in bed or at DépistaFest, there are a ton of people who engage in a myriad of sexual behaviours of varying levels of risk. We might all be there for the fun, but we fuck at different frequencies and wavelengths. While it’s important that everyone gets tested, testing frequency strongly depends on your sexual behaviour.
Let’s transform into glorious seagulls and glide over the suave and velvety plains of DépistaFest to tease apart the different types of rock’n’roll-in-the-hay fans. Who knows, you might recognize yourself among this festive list!
Any allusion to a stereotype or any derisory stylistic effect is completely intentional and well-meaning. Peace, love, and get tested!
The lawn chair
For festivals, you get ready ahead of time. You take your trusty lawn chair, twelve bottles of water, and a big backpack containing Tylenol, Gravol, gum, bandaids, Pepto-Bismol, Tiger Balm, emergency numbers, extra pairs of socks, your will, name it: you plan for the worst… for the best.
You have your usual spot just far enough from the stage to watch the show comfortably, where sound quality is at its best. You’re the same in the bedroom, and that’s okay.
When you’re single, although you prefer committed relationships, you usually wait a few dates before having sex with your crush, and when you do, you definitely use protection.
You’re a bit paranoid when it comes to STBBIs. After having kissed a toad during frosh week celebrations, you made an emergency appointment to get tested.
Test result: Negative. Nothing to report. The clinic doesn’t call you back. Your crotch soundcheck has no reverb!
Recommendation: Keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. You’re on your way to underpants bliss. The only small thing to keep in mind is that three weeks without symptoms and the promise of sexual exclusivity are not enough to stop using condoms or dental dams. It’s always a good idea to get tested before becoming a couple. Plus, getting tested is a great activity to set off your love train on rails of trust. Choooo, choooo!
The fanny pack
You’re not necessarily reckless in the Mission Impossible 4 style, but once you start partying, you sometimes get caught up in the moment and turn up the risk. In your Urban Outfitters fanny pack are some recreational drugs (MDMA, shrooms, kush) that you purchased specifically with the festival in mind, though you don’t use them on a regular basis.
If custom dictates that you like to sit comfortably to watch shows by Jean-Michel Blais and Chilly Gonzales at Place des Arts, you prefer to jump like a grasshopper while yelling “fuck yeah!” and “woohoo!” at the top of your lungs at a festival: you’re like day and night.
It’s the same in bed: you generally prefer having regular partners rather than lots of different ones, and you use protection every time. That being said, once or twice a year when you have something to celebrate (your roommate’s A+, your 10-year high school reunion, the simple fact that, thank goodness, it’s Friday), you sometimes put all your good safe sex habits away in the closet and set the rule book on fire: “I’m always so well-behaved, I can surely make an exception just this once!”
Alas, once or twice, these semi-annual YOLO moments have landed you a “skip Go and go straight to gono…”
Test result: Unfortunately, your last YOLO moment landed you a gono infection. You caught it early, though, so they’ll prescribe you some antibiotics and that’ll be it. Now, find the phone number of your crush—the one you met at the bar—because you’ll have to tell him to get tested too.
Recommendation: It’s totally normal to want to make an exception when you’re always being good. But! You might want to add some protection in your fanny pack’s secret compartment for when you do.
The army boots
🎵 It’s been one week since you looked at me, Cocked your head to the side and said, “I’m angry.” Five days since you laughed at me, Saying, “Get that together, come back and see me…”🎶
That’s you screaming your love of music at the top of your lungs between sips of beer, the outline of your mane golden under the sun, eyes half-closed, fawning smile; life is short and beautiful, and you make the most of it. You are the same at festivals as you are in everyday life: unapologetic, burning with enthusiasm, always living in the present moment. When you go to festivals, it’s to be right there next to the stage, your heart beating with those of the artists and the crowd. With your army boots on, you’re not afraid of mud or mosh pits.
In the bedroom, you vibrate to the rhythm of the music. You have travelled a lot and had close encounters with wonderful people all over the globe. You got the clam in Thailand from a German guy in a hostel run by a woman from Switzerland.
You usually have several partners at the same time, but you use protection only when there’s a condom to hand. You only get tested when your urethra is burning or when you come back from a Eurotrip that’s brought a lot of traffic into your pants.
Test result: Believe it or not, your test is negative. Yep! You won the bone lottery. You got lucky. Maybe no longer travelling because of COVID worked in your favour… However, that doesn’t mean that you should stop taking care of your sexual health. Continue to get tested once every three months.
Recommendation: We suggest getting tested regularly even if you have no symptoms… Stay your globe-and-bed-trotting self, but go get tested very, very often.
The flower crown
Your outfit is so pretty. You picked it out three weeks before the festival by carefully combing Pinterest and your 14 favourite Instagram accounts for inspiration. For you, festivals are the time to take pictures with friends who are as fashionable as you are and to spam all your followers with unsolicited stories. In fact, you only put your cell away during Summertime Sadness and Blinding Lights. You even have a battery case to make sure you don’t run out of juice for Drake’s encore.
In the bedroom, you are always at your best and you are very picky, which means that you don’t have multiple partners.
You generally like to be in relationships, and taking a roll in the hay with your sweetie. You go get tested together after your semi-annual threesome and post a boomerang story with your tongues sticking out, showing off your cotton ball adorned forearms.
Tested #CouplesWhoGetTestedTogetherStayTogether #BlessedCrotches #Sexpositive
When you’re single, you have an active sex life, use protection, and get tested on a regular basis. You value your sexual health as the apple of your eye. Now, put down your cell, Lana starts in three minutes.
Test result: Unfortunately, it turns out that your sweetie saw your last “guest star” again without telling you. Neighbourhood flower beds have brought chlamydia to your love mansion. A good talk is in order. It’s a bummer, but at least now you know.
Recommendation: You have good screening habits, but we suggest that you keep a list of your different partners instead of deleting and ghosting them, even disappointing one-night stands, so that you can contact them if you ever have an STBBI. This will make things a bit less complicated.
The $15 poutine
Life might be a game, baby, but you’ve been as lucky as a terrified little mouse who finds itself in an open bar full of hungry tomcats: things just aren’t going your way. You’re down on your luck at the festival too. You’re late for your favourite niche indie band because you were working overtime, you pay a $3 fee at the ATM to withdraw $20 to pay for a gross $15 poutine, you miss your favourite song because your bladder went all harakiri on you… It’s a shame you used all the money you had set aside for the weekend.
In bed, it’s the same. All your good intentions will only have led you to unlucky dead ends.
You’re nice and practice safe sex with your partners (who end up ghosting you), but alas, your life is made up of a series of broken condoms, getting tetanus from a Coke Zero can, and cold sores… of love.
You use protection, but it’s as if bad luck always comes to shit in the fan of your existence. You get tested regularly as you are well aware of the curse that the fairy godmother placed on you at birth. Don’t give up… and go get tested, unfortunate one.
Test result: Damn. The clinic calls you back to let you know that you have chlamydia and syphilis. Yep, your streak of bad luck isn’t over yet. But don’t worry: these are infections that are often treated together. They’ll give you antibiotics for both infections, which you can take at the same time. Keep your spirits up and don’t freak out, but next time, use a condom (or a square of latexxx).
Recommendation: Stop moping. Allow yourself to be helped, honey! Prelib offers instant appointment reminders on your phone. Or your bestie can remind you every time she goes to get tested. Take some steps that will make your life easier and surround yourself with helpful tools and people.
The reusable glass
Ever practical, you always find great hacks to maximize your time and money. At the festival, you grab a lift from a high school buddy that you unfollowed four years ago, you sneak in the crowd, claiming to have a friend who’s not feeling very well up by the stage, and above all, you pick up all the reusable, refundable glasses, bring them back to the booth and collect the jackpot. KA-CHING!
Do you like music? Sure. You take a disinterested glance or two toward the stage when you’re not enjoying the Bacardi rum you paid with that refund money.
When you have sex, you’re really wise. You always have condoms or dams on you. Rumour has it that you even have some scotch-taped here and there in different rooms in your apartment like wads of precious cash or small silenced guns. When you don’t have condoms or latex squares, you have your partner take care of it, of course.
You’ve also been a pious follower of the pull out religion for a few years, and your prayers have always been answered: you’ve never had an STBBI or caused an unwanted pregnancy… at least not yet.
You have a handful of partners who all live within 700 feet of your home: you are not about to start buying $3.50 metro tickets for 15-minute fucks. You always manage to get tested when your mom offers to cover the $10 lab fee.
Test result: Just because it doesn’t itch down there doesn’t mean nothing’s brewing. That’s right. You didn’t know, but you’ve had chlamydia for 3 months. While it’s asymptomatic, it’s still contagious! You’ll have to get in touch with all your neighbourhood flames to let them know.
Recommendation: Let’s get real, your sexual health is priceless. A jumbo pack of condoms isn’t that expensive. Otherwise, go ahead and get some from the free condom jars at the community clinic, the ones they hand out like Halloween candy. Also, many clinics offer free testing. Having a conversation with your partners about testing and their sexual health is also free. Stop being such a cheapskate.
The rocket popsicle
At festivals, you don’t really know why, but you always have something in your mouth. When it isn’t a bottle of beer the temperature of pee or a lime green whistle, it’s a big rocket popsicle that turns your lips blue. You’ve got some all over your mouth! You bellow the songs as though your grandma’s life depended on it, you whistle with your fingers, you kiss your friends’ necks. Viva la boca loca.
In your sex life, your oral cavity also gets busy. You firmly believe that oral sex is the best and that it’s just a safer way to get off.
You rarely get tested, as you tell yourself that you mostly stick to oral sex or mutual masturbation. You won’t believe your ears, but you can contract and transmit STBBIs even with your piehole! This means that an oral STBBI can become a genital one.
Test result: Unfortunately, you have gonorrhea between your legs. Wait, what? But you haven’t had penetrative sex! Maybe not, but the person who went down on your last week had oral gonorrhea.
Recommendation: Honey, get tested from time to time, even if you only practice oral sex. Oral pleasures are anything but half-pleasures. Oh, and stop whistling in everyone’s ears, it’s annoying as fuck <3.
