Sex and Sobriety: A New Form of Intoxication

This article is presented by Sober Club.

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Would you be able to have sex with someone for the first time (or any other time) while sober? If you answered “yes,” great! Otherwise, it may be a good idea to ask yourself what role alcohol or other psychoactive substances are playing in your sex life.

Do you feel the need to consume to be able to experience pleasure or allow yourself to show vulnerability? Do you use these substances to alleviate negative emotions like anxiety? Do you ever engage in sex acts that you regret after sobering up? Or do you simply enjoy the disinhibiting effect of alcohol or other substances once in a while?

Regardless of your answers, we’re not here to lecture you, but we do want to present some facts about consumption and sexuality and offer some advice in case you wish to (re)learn how to connect with someone sexually without the help of substances.

Sex and alcohol: A cocktail of little benefit

Many people feel that alcohol increases their sex drive and improves their sexual performance. However, the association between alcohol and sexual arousal is more of a cultural construct than a pharmacological reality.

Although we may feel more sociable after a few drinks, alcohol acts as a depressant on the central nervous system; in general, it slows brain activity and blood flow and impedes physical arousal (Mollaioli et al., 2020). Far from ideal if your goal is to “perform” better in bed!

“It’s weird because alcohol is sold as something festive, yet it’s quite the opposite. It’s as if we were participating in a big collective lie!” said sexologist Laurence Desjardins during the most recent Club Discu, organized by Club Sexu and Sober Club, which addressed the topic of sex and sobriety.

In the long run, sex and alcohol definitely don’t mix. Due to its depressant effect, alcohol numbs the senses, including sensitivity to touch, which leads to decreased arousal and sensation (Salari et al., 2023), even when we’re really in the mood for sex.

In people with penises, chronic alcohol consumption decreases sexual response (i.e., the body’s response to sexual stimulation), thus leading to erectile and orgasm difficulties (Arackal & Benegal, 2007). It’s also associated with decreased fertility and testosterone levels. In people with vaginas, chronic consumption also promotes sexual dysfunction (Bn et al., 2017), such as decreased vaginal lubrication, increased pain during sex, and difficulties achieving orgasm (Ghadigaonkar & Murthy, 2019).

Sex under the influence also increases the risk of going unprotected (and contracting an STBBI), not respecting a partner’s consent—which is dangerous and even criminal—or engaging in sex acts that one or both parties would not have agreed to were they sober (Simons et al., 2018).

“In addition, to be a good sexual partner, you need to communicate, and this is always best done sober!” emphasized Morag Bosom, a sex researcher and content creator at Club Sexu, during the Club Discu evening.

Why does my desire disappear when I stop using?

Some people who stop using alcohol or other psychoactive substances feel that they no longer feel as much desire, that the sex they are having is less exciting or downright boring, or that they find it more difficult to “let go” during sex. The good news is that all of these outcomes are normal and should fade after a period of adjustment.

“When you consume a lot, the serotonin and dopamine sensors in your brain become overused and it becomes more difficult to experience pleasure without giving in to excess, as your natural dopamine levels are no longer sufficient,” explained Desjardins. “For people who consume large quantities of alcohol or cocaine, for example, the day they stop, everything becomes really boring and subdued.

“Also, your desire will initially decrease because, for a long time, you associated sexual pleasure with consumption,” she continued. “So, you may get the impression that no more consumption means no more fun. However, this is completely false: even in the medium or long term, sobriety is associated with an increase in sensation.”

To find your way back to pleasure, Desjardins suggests exploring the many emotions aroused simply by fully exposing yourself to your partner—without the help of any substance—and welcoming them fully.

“Exposing yourself—inside and out—to another person is exciting, but it can also feel scary or awkward,” says the sexologist. “We may be afraid or feel insecure about surrendering to our partner(s), but if you always numb those feelings, you’ll never feel them, and you can’t get used to and enjoy them. There is something inherently thrilling in doing so!”

“You first have to accept being cold to remember afterwards how nice and warm it is to have your partner’s body pressed against yours. You then understand that the cold only foreshadows the human warmth, the connection you can have with your partner. So, it’s okay to experience this coldness and awkwardness because it’s what leads to greater connection.”

Sex after sobriety: Loss, reassessment, and exploration

According to Desjardins, it’s normal to go through a sort of sexual “existential crisis” when we stop using, since sexuality is an integral part of our identity.

“It’s possible that the sex acts you indulged in while using stop being appealing or seem downright foreign to you,” she said. “It’s possible that the sexual person you used to be doesn’t make sense to you anymore. You might experience a reevaluation of your sexual identity and ask yourself questions like: What kind of sexual person am I? What kinds of sex acts do I want to engage in? What are my likes and dislikes? Are they the same as before, or have they changed? What are my boundaries?”

“These questions can lead to feelings of loss as you mourn a part of who you were before sobriety,” Bosom added, “but having to relearn everything can also be super exciting!”

While we tend to associate drug and alcohol consumption with kinky and fiery sex, these two experts remind us that sober sex doesn’t have to be beige. In fact, sobriety often facilitates a more mindful sexual encounter in which each person can better express their needs and expectations, and therefore, experience fun and pleasure even more intensely.

A Club Discu participant perfectly illustrated this idea by confiding, “Ever since I’ve been sober, I see more possibilities, more colour in my sexual encounters. Things are less monochromatic.”

If you wish to have discussions about this topic or simply connect with other sober (or sober-curious) people, Sober Club is there for exactly that. Happy (re)discovery!