Why do we play games on dating apps?

In partnership with Fruitz

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“Don’t respond right away, you’ll look needy. Take your time to reply—look busy. Make them work for it.”

Who hasn’t gotten this advice before responding to someone on a dating app? The saying “follow me and I’ll follow you back” seems to be all too common in our digital world, where standing out means playing a game, revealing your hand bit by bit, crafting meticulously thought-out replies that drip with innuendo but without seeming too this or too that. Waaay too much.

Basically, we’re tightrope walkers of the dating world, and we’re constantly treading a fine line that can, at times, feel more like a game of Minesweeper than a search for human connection. Join us as we unpack this f game already. Ready? Let’s get into it.

Emojis, typos, and chameleons: Turn-ons and icks

One of the biggest turn-offs on dating apps? Bad grammar and typos. These are often linked to negative perceptions of intelligence, education, and personality (Van der Zanden et al., 2020).

Who knows, maybe you swiped left on your soulmate because they used their when they should’ve used there. Language skills carry an elitist undertone in online dating, where being a skilled communicator can make someone instantly more desirable. This also highlights a tendency to be attracted to people who reflect our social class and level of education.

Another faux-pas? Blurry or low-quality photos (Van der Zanden et al., 2020). Profile pictures are typically considered the most essential part of a dating profile. Pixelated photos, poorly framed shots, and blurry or group shots are instant deal-breakers.

On the flip side, some major dating app turn-ons include self-deprecating humour and shared interests, for starters. Being self-deprecating is a great way to show a more authentic and relatable side of yourself (Sharabi and Dykstra-DeVette, 2019). Someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously scores big points.

Then there’s shared interests. We’re naturally drawn to people whose profiles list hobbies, values, or lifestyles that reflect our own (Gary et al., 2018). As a result, we tend to create an idealized version of ourselves based on who we’re speaking to, thus creating an impression of similarity with them. In other words, we’re playing chameleon to get what we want.

So, you’re admittedly not that into sushi, but you notice the other person has a maki emoji in their bio. Suddenly, you’re slipping words like “wasabi,” “Japan,” and “sake” into the convo and gushing about your unending love for sashimi. That’s the “ideal self” in action.

Emojis can also play a part in the dating app game of back-and-forth, where each person tests the other’s intentions and shows interest through subtle hints. I can’t help but think of the lyrics from comedian Bo Burnham’s song Sexting:

When one person uses emojis to signal interest, for example, by using emojis that have an, ahem, sexual connotation (Hello 💦🍑🔥🍒🍆), the other partner can either respond similarly and express a mutual sexual interest, or refrain from doing so and signal disinterest. Getting a response with an Erlenmeyer emoji (🧪)after you’ve pulled out the big guns, like the peach and flame emoji? Total pain in the butt.

Friends, opting out of the flirtation game isn’t an option. Reciprocating or not reciprocating are forms of communication that can signal interest or disinterest, whether the user intends to or not. So, not getting that spicy emoji in return tells one party that the other is not interested and can cause feelings of insecurity (Nexøet Strandell, 2020).

The “hybrid hookup script” and women’s safety

Straight people often find themselves more entrenched in old-school dating traditions and are sometimes the biggest victims of the infamous dating game. You heard that right. Traditional gender roles are alive and well, even on dating apps.

When it comes to starting conversations, making plans, or initiating sexual advances, women usually expect men to take the lead. Men, on the other hand, are far more likely to kick off “sexting,” dirty FaceTimes, or one-night stands. As a result, women report feeling less comfortable expressing their own sexual needs or desires (Christensen, 2021).

The rise of “hybrid hookup scripts” has put women in a particularly tricky spot. What are hybrid hookup scripts, you ask? These are casual meetups (often drinks at a bar) that serve as a way to confirm the authenticity of a user’s dating profile, assess compatibility, and lay the groundwork for a potential connection—even though the ultimate goal is to have sex (Christensen, 2021). Sometimes, the hookup is the endgame; sometimes, it’s about testing the waters. In some instances, it’s both. This puts women in a tough position, as it goes against the traditional script that assumes women date solely to pursue a long-term committed relationship.

This hybrid script creates a double bind for women: they’re forced to navigate their desire to find a genuine romantic relationship while fearing judgment if they openly express their intention of hooking up on the first date (or getting slut-shamed).

Women’s safety is another concern in their online dating experience (Christensen, 2021). For many, the first date is an opportunity to verify a person’s authenticity and gauge how safe they feel around them. Here’s an article written in partnership with Fruitz that provides some helpful tips on how to stay safe on a first date. Regardless of your gender expression, these tips are ultra-practical.

Dating for different genders

For queer people, the rules of online dating are a bit different. It’s not about creating distance between their experiences and those of cisgender and straight people (there are many rules that overlap, regardless of gender expression or sexual identity) but more about highlighting the key differences.

Homophobia, transphobia, or internalized homophobia can make revealing one’s identity on dating apps extra anxiety-inducing. Some queer users opt for faceless profile pictures—landscape photos, blank images, or sometimes no picture at all—to protect their privacy (Cui et al., 2022). However, faceless profiles are perceived less favourably when it comes to connecting with others, as many users won’t engage with these accounts (Blackwell et al., 2016). It’s common to see “NPNC” (No Pic No Chat) in bios to discourage overtures from such profiles.

The Achilles’ heel of queer online dating seems to be the challenge of discerning users’ intentions. For instance, gay dating apps often appeal to folks seeking many types of outcomes—hookups, dating, or friendships—making it tricky to gauge what others are looking for (Blackwell et al., 2016). A common touchpoint in queer dating is asking someone to clarify their intentions, often with a message like, “Looking?”

Even though a user might offer hints of what they’re looking for (say, the classic fishing pic) or in the “looking for” section of their profile, that doesn’t always reflect their true intentions. Someone might claim to be looking for friends but are also on the hunt for a “friends with benefits” type of scenario.

The bottom line is that it’s essential to be upfront about what you’re looking for to keep from leading others on.

Ultimately, it saves everyone a lot of time.

Unsolicited “sexfies” remain a reality in gay dating (and dating of all kinds, really). The all-too-familiar conversational trope—“Hi, how are you, here’s my dick”—is common on some gay dating apps. These microaggressions often go unchallenged within the community, but it’s time for a shift in mindset. Maybe I’ll tackle this topic in a future piece. #StopSendingYourDick

Redefining the rules for a better dating game

No matter how you identify, navigating the maze of dating app rules can make anyone feel dizzy. The biggest takeaway is that we seem to be playing a game to please others and fit neatly into the social scripts expected of us or our genders.

Whatever your dating goals are or how you identify, the key is to approach dating apps honestly and respectfully. Be clear about your intentions, propose meeting in person (in a safe and comfortable setting) to confirm mutual interest, and do your best to avoid ghosting people you’ve been speaking to.

If you’re looking for a partner in a very transparent dating app environment, I can confidently recommend the Fruitz app—for connections that last a lifetime… or one night only. It’s an app that caters to all types and all rules. 🍒