Between diapers and cuddles: How to keep the spark alive after becoming parents

This article is brought to you by Ozex, a platform that helps parents rediscover intimacy.

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“About eight months after the birth of our daughter, I looked at my boyfriend and said: ‘Well, well, my love, we’re officially parents!’ says Ariane*, a 34-year-old mom who has been with her partner for the past six years. “It was a classic scene. Two exhausted thirtysomethings, nearly passed on the couch, drained from the bedtime routine on a Friday night at 7:30 p.m. Safe to say, our weekends used to be a lot more exciting.”

Let’s call it like it is. The arrival of a child is a beautiful thing, but it comes with colossal challenges.

Between sleepless nights, butternut squash purées, and the mental load of it all, navigating the challenges of parenthood while nurturing a fulfilling sex life and meaningful intimacy is tough.

How do you, as new parents, reconnect with your sexuality? Where does intimacy fit into the equation? How do we maintain connection with our partners?

These are just some of the questions we set out to answer, with help from the testimonials of young parents and the insights of sexologist Frédérique Provost.

Couch sex

“In the perinatal phase, the most common reasons for seeking sex therapy are the fears of resuming sexual activity and a drop in—or complete absence of—sexual desire,” says Frédérique Provost, a sexologist specializing in perinatal sexuality. “A decline in sexual pleasure, lack of energy, the feeling of being less desirable, and the challenge of finding the right moment to reintroduce sexual activity are also frequently brought up in these conversations.”

According to Provost, the fears associated with rediscovering sex are often linked to a fear of pain, a concern expressed by half of all those who have given birth—and one that Ariane shares.

“I had a complicated birth. I’m afraid of pain when I think about having sex again,” she confesses. “I want to, but it’s as if my whole body tenses up at the thought of penetration.”

Provost’s first piece of advice: Take things slow. “Having sex after childbirth is a gradual process,” she explains.

“For some, vaginal penetration resumes within a few weeks or months, but for most couples, it takes about a year. You have to give yourself time.”

But could this “constraint” become an opportunity to explore new sexual practices that also feel good?

“Compliments, affectionate gestures, long kisses, consuming porn—whether that’s video, written or audio—together: there are so many ways to explore sexuality without having to deal with what causes us fear or pain,” Provost says. “I like to speak about the notion of ‘rediscovering’ sexuality rather than ‘getting it back.’ It’s almost as if young parents are teenagers exploring sex for the first time. It can be a really positive experience.”

“Rediscovering intimacy as a parent” is also the philosophy behind Ozex, a platform that helps parents reconnect after childbirth. The app offers personalized self-care tools tailored to their unique situations that help them rediscover themselves both individually and as a couple.

Similarly, Provost encourages young parents to approach sexuality with a sense of curiosity, to notice what feels good and to accept that sexuality is likely to evolve with time. “We change as we go through different stages in life, so it makes sense that our relationship to sex changes, too.” 

Where does desire fit in?

Hormones, fatigue, stress, breastfeeding, bodily change…s the list of things that affect desire goes on and on.

“Having a baby fulfills a large part of our emotional, intimate, and physical needs, especially for the breastfeeding mother,” says Provost, highlighting that some women feel content simply caring for the baby. “As a result, there’s little space left for partners to reconnect.”

Provost encourages expectant parents to start exploring new, pleasurable sexual and intimate practices before and during pregnancy. “Whether through massage, kissing, caressing… incorporating non-genital forms of intimacy before childbirth can help during the postpartum phase,” she says.

If desire decreases when the baby arrives, Provost encourages parents to look into the underlying causes: Is postpartum depression to blame? Is the couple’s intimacy at risk? Are we overwhelmed with caring for the baby? Is it simply due to a lack of energy?

“Desire is often a reflection of something deeper,” she says.

And what about the partner who didn’t carry the child? Provost explains that some spouses may feel less desirable, which can lead to feelings of rejection. “In therapy, I remind couples that they’re a team. Let’s not get into accusations and guilt-tripping. Instead, let’s find a compromise and use empathy to meet one another’s needs.” 

An ode to creativity 

“After having our son, my girlfriend and I struggled to get back into sex. It’s almost as if we didn’t know what to do anymore. Everything felt weird,” says Karim*, a 41-year-old father. “Looking back, I think we focused too much on penetrative sex, trying too hard to make it how it was before.”

Provost encourages new parents to get creative. “The vagina doesn’t have to be involved in fulfilling our sexual needs,” she says.

The questions to ask yourself are: what am I comfortable with? Do I want to be kissed or caressed? Do I need to be held? Can I meet my partner’s needs? Can I give them attention to show them that I find them attractive? “As the person who has given birth, you can do what feels right for you while adapting to your partner’s needs. Consensually, of course.”

“If the birthing partner doesn’t feel ready for sex or doesn’t have any sexual urges, they can still offer to participate in their partner’s sexuality without necessarily involving their own body,” Provost explains. “They may, for example, masturbate their partner, participate in their orgasm, and arouse them with erotic words, text messages, letters, etc. Both may find pleasure there.”

Provost emphasizes the importance of empathetic communication and also invites couples to explore sensuality and eroticism. Deep eye contact, gentle words, compliments, warm touches—these small gestures can help maintain intimacy. “Taking a minute to look at each other or share a big hug can make all the difference. Maybe that isn’t what we have in mind when we think of sex, but these actions help maintain balance and connection, even if there’s a gap in sexual desire.”

Going from erotic to nurturing

“What I found the hardest was that the role of my breasts completely changed,” confides Mélanie*, a 32-year-old mother. “My girlfriend has always been obsessed with my breasts; she always wants to put them in her mouth (laughs) […]. But since we decided to breastfeed, things have changed. It’s as if we didn’t know what to do with my breasts during our intimate moments. It’s like my boobs belong to the baby now. It’s been an adjustment—it’s evolving, but it’s not uninteresting.” 

Provost explains that, for breastfeeding parents, breasts that once fulfilled an erotic role often shift to becoming a more nurturing one. “When milk is released during intercourse—a perfectly normal process—it can take us by surprise. This brings both the erotic and nurturing roles of the breasts into play,” she says.

If you’re uncomfortable with milk flow during sex, Provost suggests breastfeeding beforehand to reduce the chances of flow happening. Another option is to wear a bra with absorbent pads. “Of course, you can also see breast milk as something erotic. It depends on the person.”

It’s common, as Mélanie says, to feel as if the breasts no longer belong to you after a pregnancy. Provost recommends taking time to look at them and caress them to reclaim this part of your body. “It’s okay to want to take care of yourself and reconnect with your body,” says the sexologist.

In conclusion, Provost stresses the importance of taking your time. If sex isn’t an option right now, there are plenty of other ways to maintain a strong connection. “Focus on spending time together as a couple, no matter how simple the activity. Play a board game, watch a show, take a shower, go for a walk with the stroller and chat—even if it’s about the baby. Have a Mario Kart competition—yes, that counts!” she suggests, adding that doing chores together, such as bathing or cooking, can help strengthen bonds. 

“The partner can also be closely involved in caring for the baby in the moment. Giving a massage or stroking the hair of a breastfeeding mother, supporting the baby’s back to share the load, for example. These habits help to combine the roles of parents, lovers and sexual partners.”

A few tips 

• When starting vaginal penetration again, use lubricant. Postpartum vaginal dryness is common, especially if you’re breastfeeding. Using lube helps prevent injuries to the genitals, which can lead to negative associations with sex.
• Treat yourself to properly fitted underwear. Feeling comfortable in your clothing can make all the difference in how you feel.
• Unfollow #fitmoms or #mombod Instagram and TikTok accounts. It’ll keep you from comparing your bodies to theirs and can help boost your self-esteem.
• To stay up-to-date on the launch of Ozex, follow them on social media and subscribe to their newsletter.