More than child’s play: Having ‘the talk’ with your kids

Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to discussing sexuality with our little ones. Truth is, the sex education we get as children varies widely, depending on our families, our cultural backgrounds, and even the schools we attend (Action Canada, 2020).

When we ourselves become parents, we tend to draw inspiration from our upbringing—or do the exact opposite!—as we attempt to answer the questions our children may have. Let’s be real, knowing where to start this conversation, what topics we should cover, as well as when and how to broach them can be overwhelming.

Is my child old enough to understand X or Y? Will I traumatize them or disrupt their development if I bring this particular topic up? Is my answer still relevant, even if my knowledge stems from the days of scrambled porn?

Not to worry! In partnership with Olie Éducation, a sex education platform for parents, we’re here to help you confidently navigate these tricky conversations.

First, why even discuss sex with your child?

Sexuality is so much more than puberty or the famous “Where do babies come from?” question (#stork). It’s a great opportunity to help your child get to know themselves better, understand their intimacy, and even develop essential skills—like managing emotions and relationships. Not convinced? Okay, tough crowd.

Here are three reasons you should talk to your child about sex:

1. To help them develop healthy relationships

Age-appropriate sex education helps children build relationships founded on respect, communication, and empathy. By covering topics like body parts, relationships, respect for self and others, consent, STIs, and violence in intimate relationships (Government of Quebec, 2024), children learn to:

• Value their bodies and emotions, which, in turn, boosts their self-esteem
• Integrate values such as equality and respect for diversity
• Establish a clear understanding of what’s appropriate (for example, that exploring their bodies is done in private, not in front of extended family during the holidays)

2. To prevent sexual violence and promote consent

Talking about sexuality without taboos is also a way to prevent risky behaviour and protect children from sexual assault (Descheneaux et al., 2018). Openly discussing sex helps them to:

• Understand the importance of consent and respect others’ boundaries
• Recognize the signs of potentially dangerous situations
• Develop the confidence to confide in an adult
• Feel supported to report situations they may feel are abusive

3. To help them understand their bodies

By discussing physical and emotional transformations from an early age, you can help your child normalize and downplay what lies ahead (World Health Organization). This enables them to:

• Ask questions about hormones and the human body without feeling embarrassed
• Receive reliable, age-appropriate information (leave that high school textbook in the attic, pretty please)
• See each step as an exciting adventure rather than an insurmountable mountain!

But where—and when—do we begin?

Talking about sexuality with your child from the age of two or three may seem premature, but it’s an essential first step! At this age, children are already exploring their bodies, emotions, and relationships.

Here are some ideas for topics to cover according to the child’s age (UNESCO, 2018):

• Early childhood (0-5 years): At this stage, focus on the basics—such as naming body parts accurately and the importance of respecting boundaries. For example, explain that certain body parts are private and should only be touched with consent. These early conversations help develop a sense of self-respect and an understanding of how to respect others.
• Childhood (6-9 years): This is a great time to introduce the basics of birth and explain the differences between the sexes. For example, you might say, “Babies grow in the womb of the person carrying them.” This opens the door to questions while keeping the information accessible.
• Pre-teens (ages 10-12): This stage is all about emotions, friendships, and the physical transformations that occur during puberty. At this point, children’s questions may become more informed or in-depth. It’s a great time to talk about them in an open, positive way..
• Adolescence (ages 13 and up): Talk to teens about relationships, active sexuality, contraception and STBBIs. This is a good time to talk more deeply about respecting limits and managing emotions, answering their questions without judgment. And, who knows, at this age, it could be your child’s turn to teach you a few things!

How do you handle discussions about sex education?

Talking about sexuality isn’t a one-time, 69-minute conversation—it’s an ongoing dialogue that happens at different stages throughout a child’s life. Every exchange presents an opportunity to learn.

Here are seven tips to keep in mind during those many discussions:

1. Create an atmosphere of trust (and get comfortable with discomfort)

Establishing open communication from the start helps make these exchanges natural (Wilson et al., 2010). Asking questions about sexuality should feel as stress-free as asking, “What’s for dinner?” (ugh, not pork chops with ketchup again!). As for you? Think of yourself as Gandalf—guiding them through the murky world of relationships and emotions, reassuring them along the way.

2. Active listening and safety

The first step is to create a space where the child feels comfortable asking questions (Malacane et al., 2016). If a sensitive question comes, welcome it without judgment: “Wow, I’m glad you asked that! What would you like to know?” This encourages the child to clarify their thoughts and concerns instead of just passively listening.

3. Get the ball rolling!

Talking about sexuality should be as natural as talking about emotions, school, or Elsa’s dress in Frozen. If your child asks a question while you’re watching a movie or TV show (it might be a little early for Euphoria), take the opportunity to discuss it. For example, if a character says something about love, ask them what they think. These discussions make the subject muuuch less intimidating or taboo (Malacane et al., 2016; Jaccard et al., 2002)!

4. Skip the jargon and use age-appropriate language instead

With toddlers, use simple words. For example, instead of saying “intercourse”, you can discuss “how babies are made” (MSSS, 2025). As the child gets older, you can bring up more detailed concepts. In all cases, it’s important to use precise terms like “penis” and “vulva” to normalize them. Let’s leave terms like “flower” or “peepee” in the past.

5. Get book smart: Use external resources

Don’t hesitate to use resources like books, videos or age-appropriate games to inform dialogue. We of course confidently recommend Olie Éducation, the Coalition ÉduSex resource directory, the list at the end of this article and (shameless plug!) all our Club Sexu content. You might be surprised to learn some useful tricks for yourself, too! All the more reason to be curious and keep learning about sexuality in addition to feeling better equipped to answer your child’s questions (Malacane et al., 2016).

6. Touchy subjects

When a child asks a sensitive question, try not to overreact—even if the question makes you feel uncomfortable (Afifi et al., 2008). For example, if your six-year-old asks you, “What does it mean to make love?” take a deep inhale and answer as calmly as possible: “That’s a good question. Making love is an intimate, private moment when grown-ups snuggle each other” (Born and Grown). Crisis averted!

7. It’s okay to not know!

In situations where you don’t know the answer, it’s fine to say so. “I don’t know, but let’s learn more together?” is a reasonable way to respond and an excellent opportunity to learn with the child, all the while reinforcing the idea that sexuality is a subject about which it’s normal to be curious and seek information (Naître et Grandir).

When should you consult a professional for more complex questions?

Kids have a way of catching us off guard with their questions—especially if their questions seem way beyond their years. If the question surprises you, it’s okay to say: “Oh, wow, I wasn’t expecting that, but I’m glad you asked!”

Before responding, you can also clarify with your child what they really like to know. Our adult mind tends to influence the way we see things. Asking “What do you mean by that?” or “What makes you want to know?” helps you respond in a way that truly addresses their curiosity without going into too much detail that might be overwhelming (Akers et al., 2011).

And if a question feels too complex or goes beyond your comfort level, reaching out to a professional can provide extra guidance and reassurance.

Is my child’s behaviour normal? Understanding normal sexual behaviour in children

It’s completely normal for children, often driven by curiosity,to explore certain sexual behaviours. In fact, most children will have exhibited sexualized behaviour by the age of three. This usually peaks between the ages of three and six, as children begin integrating social norms and developing a sense of modesty (Centre hospitalier universitaire Sainte-Justine, n.d.).

Here are some examples of age-appropriate sexual behaviour (Centre hospitalier universitaire Sainte-Justine, n.d.; Naître et Grandir, 2019):

0-2 years:

• Begin to discover genitalia without embarrassment
• Normal body reflexes, such as erections and lubrication

3-5 years:

• Role-playing games, like “playing doctor”
• Begin to question where babies come from and gender identity
• More self-stimulation, as children become more skilled with their hands

6-8 years:

• Begin to develop a sense of shame
• Comparing between friends (for instance, showing each other’s genitalia)
• More questions about sexuality

Ages 9-12:

• Developing a love interest in others
• Masturbation linked to pleasure
• Sexual fantasies

Talking to your child about sex is an opportunity to spark their curiosity, as well as your own! Take an interest in their favourite shows (Paw Patrol, here we come), ask questions about their current interests and try to understand their world. By having caring and age-appropriate discussions, you can help normalize sex so they understand that it’s a natural part of life.

Every question you ask is a chance to strengthen your bond and deepen your connection, so make the most of it!