Disclosing an STBBI Diagnosis: The Dos and Don’ts

You’ve just received a positive STBBI test result. Crap. It’s the last thing you need right now, and having to tell your partner(s) sounds dreadful. We get it. STBBIs are steeped in myths and stigma. While it’s already a big step to accept that you have one, it’s quite another to tell your sexual partner(s).

Maybe you received your diagnosis a long time ago and are still learning to live with a permanent STBBI. That’s quite the challenge! Communication can also be challenging when the time comes to broach the subject with a potential partner.

It’s normal to be afraid of how the other person will react.

Sometimes, that fear comes from a negative disclosure experience we’ve had in the past, making us want to self-isolate. Even with the patios open for the summer (finally).

But deep down, you know that telling your partner(s) is the right move:

• According to the Public Health Agency of Canada, disclosure significantly reduces the risk of STBBI transmission. In other words, the more we disclose, the more transmission decreases, and the lower the risk of contracting an infection. It’s a small step for you, but a big step for public health!
• If your partner(s) know about it, it will be much easier to negotiate the use of protection, especially if you weren’t using any before.
• It paves the way for an essential discussion about sexual health that you should be having with any sexual partner.
• Even if it seems hard to talk about it, you may feel better and relieved after it’s done. 

Also, for those living with a chronic STBBI, disclosure can bring other advantages:

• It’s a good way to secure safer sex, because communicating your diagnosis might make both of you want to be more cautious.
• It’s a tool to filter potential partners. It can be difficult to trust someone enough to disclose your diagnosis, but by choosing who you tell, you can select the cream of the crop in order to feel accepted and appreciated without hiding certain facets of your reality.
• It can boost trust and intimacy, because you’ve allowed yourself to be more vulnerable while ensuring their protection. It shows them that you are honest and trustworthy!

Now that you’re as sold as you were after seeing a ShamWoW commercial, where do you start?

There’s no perfect way to do it: everyone can go about it differently. The most important thing is to be authentic. However, a few guidelines have never hurt anyone, so here’s a list of dos and don’ts to guarantee that your disclosure goes more smoothly than trading tacky pickup lines with your new Tinder match.

Dos

Choose the right time and the right place

Sometimes, a simple call or text message is enough to inform your partner(s). If so, it’s a good idea to first check that they are available by asking “Is this a good time to talk?” or “I have something to tell you, are you free?” This way, if they’re not alone or if they’re unavailable, you can always choose another time. The important thing is that the person is receptive and attentive to your message.

If you prefer to have a conversation face to face, it’s essential to choose a place where you’ll feel comfortable. Ideally, someplace quiet and private, where you won’t be yelling over your friend’s speakers at the park or whispering because you’re in line at the ice cream shop.

Also, plan a time when neither of you will be rushed, so you can discuss the situation in more detail if necessary and make sure all the relevant information is shared, such as modes of transmission, protection methods, or clinics where your partner can go get tested. Several resources are listed on the DépistaFest website.

Bring out your best communication skills

This is the time to use your oral presentation skills. Here, the key to success is in how you present the information. #EverythingWillBeOk. Try to speak confidently and in a relaxed way. Stressing out is contagious, especially when it comes to STBBIs! If you feel any nervousness creeping up on you or showing through, you can simply state and own it: “I’m nervous telling you this, because I care.”

The idea is to foster a discussion that is less alarmist than a CBS newscast. Tell yourself—again and again if you need to—that anyone can get an STBBI!

You could cut to the chase and simply say, “I went to get tested and tested positive for chlamydia. Since we saw each other recently, I wanted to let you know so that you can also go get tested.”

It’s okay to have a de-dramatizing approach to the whole thing without turning it into a therapeutic discussion or a public service announcement. There’s nothing better than being informed enough to be able to answer the person’s questions and reassure them.

Does your STBBI disclosure come with a revelation of having cheated on your partner(s)? This calls for a lot of tact, empathy, and sensitivity. The person is likely to react more strongly, and their feelings will need to be acknowledged and respected.

The important thing is to make them understand that, yes, the infidelity has put their health at risk, but that you are now telling them because you care about their health. The message it sends is that you are ready to have this difficult discussion because their sexual health is more important to you than the secrecy.

Remaining as zen as a yogi at a Costa Rican retreat

We all react differently. You may face a person who freaks out, or on the contrary, someone who takes it in calmly and contemplatively. The important thing is that you remain calm and that you show openness so as not to escalate the situation.

If the person looks as though they’re in dire need of a cup of chamomile tea, you can take the opportunity to briefly share what you have experienced by saying something like:

• “I understand that you’re feeling stressed out, I was too.”
• “I was just as surprised as you are by my test results, but I’m glad I know. If you go get tested, at least you’ll know for sure.”

That way, if your partner(s) has any concerns, they can share them with you and it will be easier for you to reassure them.

If a need to remain anonymous stops you from disclosing your STBBI status to your partner(s), there are resources, such as the Quebec HIV/AIDS portal, that can anonymously notify your partners via text message.

Do your research first

Because your partner(s) might have questions, make sure you have more than one trick up your sleeve. Gather a bit of information about the STBBI: how it gets transmitted, its symptoms, and possible treatments. Believe us when we say that you don’t want to leave the person in the dark and throw them into the arms of Google Images!

We have an information section devoted to STBBIs and testing on the DépistaFest website, and you can also consult Prélib’s website for all the information you need on STBBIs.

Being ready to provide all the necessary information will allow you to normalize the situation and better inform your partner(s) about where to get tested, what the treatment involves, whether it’s a chronic or a curable STBBI, and how to prevent further transmission. It’s likely to increase their trust.

Practice makes perfect

Before a face-to-face disclosure, don’t hesitate to practice with someone you trust if you feel the need, like a friend, a roommate, or even your cat! It will make you more confident and it’s a good opportunity to test out your message and how you’d like to communicate it.

If you’re considering sending a written message, take the time to read it over and maybe share it with a close friend to test the material.

Don’ts

Launch into a drama monologue

It may seem obvious, but making a big deal out of it will only make the situation look much worse than it really is.

If you panic, the other person panics… everyone panics!

We agree, contracting an STBBI isn’t like winning the lottery, but it’s not the end of the world either. You’ll have to find the right balance between taking the situation seriously to show the person that you care about their health and making them feel like they’re in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. If you feel like you’re about to perform a Greek tragedy, take a deep breath, go check out reliable information, and practice to gain confidence.

Neglect to use barrier protection methods

Avoiding the use of condoms or dental dams during sex after having obtained a positive STBBI test result is looking for trouble. The person will likely react much more negatively to your disclosure.

Be sure to talk about your results before having sex,and use protection to avoid transmission. After all, it’s important to respect the other person’s consent, which must be freely given, but also informed. In this case, this means that the person must know about the risks of transmission for their consent to be meaningful.

Did you have unprotected sex before receiving your positive test result? Oops! Honest mistake. Just make it clear to your partner that you took a risk together and that you didn’t know your STBBI status at the time, but also that it is important for them to get tested.

Pick a bad time… or no time at all

While it’s a good idea to take your time to get ready for disclosure, it shouldn’t turn into a sabbatical either! The longer you wait, the greater the consequences can be. The person’s sexual and reproductive health could be seriously impacted, and if you’re not in an exclusive relationship, other partners’ health could also be compromised. It’s normal to experience some anxiety, but if you’re the evading type, trick yourself and simply blurt out, “I have something to tell you.” After that, you’ll have no choice but to move forward.

Also, choosing a bad time to talk about it, such as after having sex (even protected), could escalate the situation if the person feels that you knowingly put them at risk.

Lastly, avoiding the topic altogether or waiting for your partner(s) to go get tested are not solutions. Most STBBIs have no symptoms, and your partner(s) could be infected and unknowingly infect others. It’s very important that you talk about it so that everyone gets tested, and if necessary, treated.

Feel guilty

It’s not a confessional or a Supreme Court trial. You even took the time to read this article, which is already a step in the right direction!

There’s nothing to be ashamed of: you were being responsible when you went and got tested, and you’re being even more responsible now by informing your partner(s) about your test results.

And you know what? It’s possible that your partner(s) might also have something to tell you. While it’s important to talk about your test results, it’s also important to ask your partner(s) about their health if you plan to see them again or to eventually stop using protection with them.

Finally, it’s always possible to face a negative reaction, but know that an STBBI disclosure is never an excuse for violence: you deserve respect.

… And then what?

It’s possible that the person will get tested, that you’ll take your prescription if necessary, that you’ll use the appropriate means of protection, and that life will simply go on. It could also be that the person will need time to process the news, and that’s okay. Give them the time and space they need, and let them know that you’ll be there to answer their questions or refer them to resources.

And voilà! You are now ready to disclose a positive STBBI status to your partner(s). Good luck, and remember: whether or not you have an STBBI doesn’t change how amazing you (or your fabulous behind) are!